Doesn’t it always work out that what you want to say is always more eloquent in your head. And when it is turned in to spoken words…or written words. Somehow, it just doesn’t feel the same.
I have a feeling that this post could very well fall into that category. I’m not good at expressing my actual thoughts and feelings on important matters…I don’t have much experience with it. But, they say that writing your feelings down can help you sort through them. And that is what I need right now. Some clarity in my life. Or as much clarity as I can get without more explanation from the boyfriend…ex.
I haven’t had much experience with relationships, my own at least. Besides a brief three months I spent going to Swick’s Pizza and the movie theater with Zach Duck the summer after 8th grade, I haven’t been in a relationship. That’s not to say I haven’t been in love, or close to it before. But definitely not to this extent. I assumed I didn’t know what love was, it’s only been a short time with you. A short and confusing and complicated time. But, I’d rather have confusing and complicated with you…than simple with anyone else. That’s love, right?
Last week, I watched a dear friend get engaged, she lit up when her now fiance was handed the ring box. She jumped, quite literally, with joy and excitement. She was so clearly in love with him. I thought this meant she must have all the answers, so I went to her with the most asked question by 20-something hopeless romantics like myself. What is love? How do you know when you’re in love with someone?
QUESTION: This is probably a stupid question. But, you’re in love and engaged…how do you know when you’re in love with someone…This sounds ridiculous. And I guess it is kind of a moot point now. But my like, heart hurts thinking about not seeing him.
And her perfect answer.
RESPONSE: I don’t honestly know the answer to that question. You just kind of know it… With Chris it happened really quickly. Like before we even officially started dating I knew that I was in love with him. I spent all my time thinking about him, got butterflies and got weirdly nervous every time I knew he was on his way over or if I was going over to see him, and seriously just so many other cheesy things. You know… Can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kinda stuff! But seriously. That’s what it is and you just know in your head but also in your stomach, as cheesy and pathetic as that sounds.
But that didn’t sound cheesy or pathetic to me, at all. All of that felt like she was describing what was happening inside of me to a “t”. How I was feeling…How you made me feel. This is hard to admit since you just ended our relationship, and yes, I realize I’m a little late to the game. But, I didn’t know. I wasn’t aware of my ever evolving feelings. Kinda like…growing hair, you’re never really aware each day, but eventually, you’ll look in the mirror and wonder when your hair got so long…. You were always there, I didn’t have time to think about it, to analyze it. Until you were gone. And I realized how much it hurt. How much I now dreaded going to bed along each night. Waking up alone each morning. I reach for my phone and grab it…then slowly put it back down when I realize I can’t talk to you. I know I should have said some of this before. Maybe if I had you wouldn’t have left. Or maybe you would have, but at least I would know I gave it a shot. I put myself out there. So I’m putting myself out there now… through a private blog…that you don’t have the link to…that I don’t share on my social media sites… So, maybe I’m just a little terrified.
I literally don’t think about anything else. Even before this past week of weirdness. And he made me happy…really happy, and he made me laugh, and less stressed. And I stopped having my anxiety attacks. And I always defended everything my friends didn’t like that he did. And I don’t hate him at all for what he’s done the past couple of days…And I just want to see him. And if he gets fired, I’m nervous I won’t see him again. And I already miss Gin, his cat. And his weirdly thick hair, it’s very deceiving, because it looks short but is actually really luscious. And he has these scars on his back from a car accident, and his skin is weird and scars bubble up on his skin. I MISS HIS SCARS. Like, who am I?
Seriously, though? Who am I? I don’t want to think about that I might never experience the feeling of security and comfort I felt with you arm around my waist as we drifted off to sleep. I miss your insane childhood stories, we both know you have enough of them to make up for my lackluster adolescence. I’m upset that I might not have the chance now to meet your family, or even just tell strangers that, hey, that one over there, yeah, he’s mine.
At this point i miss your drunk dancing in the pool hall, even though I might have pretended to be embarrassed at the time. I really loved it, and I loved you for it. You’re so unapologetic about who you are, and what you do. It’s inspiring. You’re also very stubborn. And can drive me absolutely crazy. I miss that your body temperature is through the roof, I almost didn’t need a blanket if I was cuddled next to you. And I apologize that while I get cold easily, you get hot easily, and never really held it against you when you’d pull away from me in the middle of the night….cause you always came back to me.
I loved your kisses as much as you loved mine. And I loved how fast your heart beat when I had my hand on your chest. I miss the 16H, already. I even might miss Crouch, and our good talks…Jokes, our endearingly awkward waves to each other is probably more like it. I love that I have picked up some of your mannerisms in our short time together. I guess at the very least, I’ll have those.
I was even warned by your friend last week that I should tell you how I felt about you. He told me that guys are sometimes clueless, and that you “thought” I was interested, but didn’t “know” I was Interested…and I considered it, but as we laid next to each other in bed that night, I felt like nothing could go wrong before I got a chance to tell you…so, I was going to just enjoy lying next to you, and slowly fell asleep.
With such a long list of things I love and miss about you, you’d think I could have realized sooner. And maybe if I had things wouldn’t be the way they are now. But, I didn’t. And, they are.
Have you told him these kinds of things?
No…We never really talked about how we felt, and I didn’t know until after we were on our break. And didn’t want to mention it while we were on our break, cause I figured it wouldn’t change anything. I thought our break wasn’t about us. It wasn’t because we didn’t want to be together. It was about his ex. And I just figured we’d move past it and become official again, and then we’d talk about it. On graduation night his friend told me I should tell him how I felt about him. But we went to bed almost as soon as we got to his place that night. And then I didn’t want to just talk about it nonchalantly over lunch Tuesday…..And then that’s the last time I saw him. And now it’s too late.
So. In conclusion. I guess, if it’s not clear. I miss you. I love you. I never really considered us to be broken up on our break. We acted the same. So I’ve just spent the last few weeks growing even closer to you than before. While, I guess, you, not knowing how I felt… have drifted away. Or somehow, for some reason have decided to push me away. And it hurts. A lot of tears have already been spent trying to figure out where we changed, or what changed. I know you’ve had a rough time lately, and some of it I was there for, but I wish you would’ve opened up to me more. Because I care about you so much. Even still. And I’m worried about you. And your behavior changes…and your other changes. But, I still do, somehow…love you. We spent almost everyday together for the last two months. And I know two months isn’t a lot of time, but it was enough time for me. I sleep on my couch because I’m still not okay with the thought of sleeping alone in my own bed. Sleeping on my couch makes it feel like I’m just lounging around, and not actually going to sleep for the night…without you.
Hopefully one day these words will reach your ears…or eyes. But I’m a lot like you in sharing my feelings, important feelings. But I needed to put them somewhere, for the time being. While I continue to deal with the fallout of realizing I love someone after they’re gone. I finally, truly understand the saying “not knowing what you have until its gone…” Not a fan of it right now. I also currently want to shoot the person that said “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…” Maybe, I’ll get there eventually. But it probably takes more than 48hrs.
All my love,
Shelby
